Bliggity-bloggin'

Alrighty, I've been somewhat outta commission for the last week. Had a little womanly doozie last Sunday that landed me in Emerg for the night. Scary experience....not quite "see the bright light", kind of scary experience, but enough to buckly my knees so to speak. I must say though, Jessey was a god sent....without him helping with the kids, lunches, groceries, pets, plus sitting with me and witnessing some pretty wiggin' out nasty sights, I have absolutely no idea what I would've done. He was super compassionate, and there! Incidences like this one really put things in perspective. I've lived here in Sudbury for almost 6 years. Making the big move from Manitoba wasn't an easy one.....hence the craziness since. I had always had my family near by. Not like 3 hours away near by, no. Like just up the street a few odd numbers up. Coming from a town of 1200 people, mining based, completely bushed, Sudbury being the huge city it is, was somewhat of a learning experience for me. I'd have the radio cranked everyday in my brand new kitchen, in my brand new house, listening for all the updates and happenings in my new town. I think I drove myself into my own paranoid delusions. Banks held up.....woopy! The point though being that I was in a new place, no family dinners, no dropping in at my mom's to just hang.....no dropping the kiddos off so I could have a coffee with a girlfriend....nuthin'.....I was lucky in one aspect of my move....the new house we built, was in Garson, right next door to my best friend from our bushwacked little town, Chantal. We were our faux families for eachother. Living next door had it's advantages for sure....and a few disadvantages...but we ultimately worked through those moments. So even not having my mama right next door, it was comforting to know I had her. Now being just me and the kids, minus their dad, things have changed again. It's been roughly 8 months since moving into our apartment.....the ghetto I like to call it....but it's really not that imaginatively exciting, trust me. The funniest part--when you look out the kitchen window, you can see our old house....like waving a porkchop infront of a dog......I thought it would feel like that....but honestly not once did I hang out the window in longing for that old neighbourhood....or house for that matter. Yes, it was nice to have extra space, not having to store toboggans in the kids closets....but I've had it...it didn't make me happy. Ok...so laying in the hospital bed in the little emerg box they called a room, I had way too much time to think. The quiet seeping in....I thought about all of these things. Yah, I'm broke, I have no job at the moment....with no vehicle running to get me to the new job I'm anxious to start....minimal food in the fridge...compared at least to what the kids are used to seeing....and even thinking all these things, I'm thankful for how I'm feeling. Sure I'm a drama queen and I get down on myself any chance I get.....get my rubber boots on and wallow in my puddle of self pity right?! Yah, Yah....but I didn't at the hospital, not for a second. Yes I felt bad for the kids, and my mom for not really knowing how I'm doing, other than Jessey relaying updates after every visit....but overall, I think I really saw how lucky I am. I have two great kids, as crazy as they make me sometimes, they're great. Healthy, happy...at most times....vibrant, full of energy kids. I'm healthy, generally..minus the smoking, which I'd love to quit.....meh! I can walk, see.....feel my kids little hearts when they squeeze me goodnight. I have a marvilous boyfriend, who has seen, heard, and felt the craziness of my being since dating me 7 months ago. A definate trooper I'd have to say....given the chaos that surrounds us.....still he helps out every morning with my childrens off to school duties, takes the pets out and feeds everyone of them, everyday....does laundry....dishes, back massages, book reading....homework....bath running....and still has the gumption to hug and kiss me to no avail. Here I was 7 months ago swearing that I wasn't dating anyone younger than me. The age gap not being an issue if I"m the younger of the duo??? What sense really does that actuallymake? It's pretty rediculous wouldn't you think? I have found a connection in someone....regardless of our ages....I actually feel contented with our silences....enveloped in our touches....all of that...I actually have a friendship in this boy. Something I think so many don't have, and never did. Yes I know it's all new and refreshing, I can smell the wine and roses right now.....but...I think without that friendship in your mate, how can you build anything else on top of it? Maybe I'm just being the sappy girlfriend...but even so...I want to wear these rose coloured glasses forever. Finding good in everything...well that probably will never be me...but why not embrace the small gifts I do have? Peace, love, happiness....hell yah, i'm gettin that bumper sticker...or better yet...the tattoo!